Me:
Ready to make some NFL picks and get started on our yearly journey to looking stupid?

Here’s my one bold one – SF wins the NFC West. It’s not that they’ve gotten that much better, but everyone else in that division has taken big ol’ steps backward. Seattle just plain blows, and AZ lost a few folks that I think will prove to be detrimental. St. Louis has exactly one player that I’ve ever heard of (Steven Jackson), and he’s pretty beat after providing all the offense for the past 3-4 years. I wouldn’t even draft him in fantasy with the load he’s carrying.

Squid Dog:
I’m ready! I’m going bold all around.

AFC
Division winners: Jets, Ravens, Titans, Chargers.
Wild cards: Patriots, Colts
Chargers get eliminated in playoff game # 1 because of stupid pealties.
Championship: Jets and Titans. Jets win.

NFC:
Division winners:
Dallas, Green Bay, Saints, Cardinals
Wild cards: Vikings, Redskins
Dallas gets eliminated in playoff game # 1 because of Romo somehow.
Championship: Packers and Vikings. Vikings Win.

Superbowl: Jets vs Vikings. Vikings win.

Oooo, did you see how it came up that Brett plays GB to get into the SB, and beats the Jets to win it? His 2 former teams. I didn’t plan that one at all.

My predictions are money.

Me:
I agree with your Ravens pick since Roethlisberger’s out for a few games due to those pesky rape-in-a-bathroom charges. The only thing that makes me apprehensive is Cincy, who actually won the division last year. I think the Colts-Tits will be swapped from your predictions, unless my weird AFC prediction comes through. Somebody has to win the AFC west, so it may as well be the Chargers.

My one bold(-ish) statement is that Belichick will not be employed by the Patriots this time next year. Tom Brady will continue his transformation into a 6’5″ girl.

Raiders will suck (shocker), which is fine with me.

My weird AFC prediction:
Peyton Manning goes down for the season fairly early, like before any snow games. The backup is so mind-bendingly awful that they look like a pop warner team and get beat by a team that’s really bad. My guess would be KC in week 5.

I’m with you on the NFC, with a few exceptions. No way Favre is winning the Super Bowl. I just don’t think it’s gonna happen, although I see Minny getting to the NFC championship game.

Also, I think Atlanta scoots into that wild card spot instead of the Redskins. Tony Gonzales retires after ATL loses in the playoffs.

Albert Haynesworth becomes a member of the half time show at Redskins games, since he’s been whining about the defense changing and his role in the new scheme. I think he’ll get shot out of a cannon or dive into a small pool or something. Something to get some value for the crazy amount of money they’re paying him.

My weird prediction for the NFC:
At some point in the fall, the east coast gets hit by a big hurricane, which postpones at least one Miami, Jacksonville, and Carolina game. Maybe more.

If you’re wondering why I converted, it’s mostly because Blogger decided to drop support for it at the end of next week. You see, this blog has been in existence for four years now (although I don’t think you can technically say I’ve been doing this for four years because I’ve rarely posted for the past couple years). Anyway, when I originally set up my blog through Blogger, it didn’t really give a lot of options for how to set it up. I’ve been using updates via FTP, which Google says is really difficult to support. As such, they’ve decided to drop support for it and force you to migrate to another domain/site and redirect from your original to the new one. Sounds pretty complicated. Since I originally put this blog up on Blogger four years ago, I’ve discovered WordPress. Not to put too blunt a point on it, but WordPress beats Blogger hands down. No comparison. since I was being forced to upgrade anyway, I thought I may as well upgrade to something I liked.

Enough of the why. Here’s the how:

My particular scenario was as this – I had a choice of either being 1.) redirected from my old Blogger site (atleastihavechicken.com/whatiswillthinking) to a new Blogger site  by Google or 2.) starting a new site and basically abandoning the old site. The solution I came up with allowed me to migrate my old Blogger site to a WordPress site at the same location, and keep the old permalinks. This last part was important to me, since there were a few sites that linked to a post from a long time ago that had gained some notoriety. I did not want to break those links.

There are a few steps to this, but the jist is to do the following:

1. Set up a temporary Blogger blog to hold all your posts from the old one
2. Set up a temporary WordPress blog to migrate your posts from the blog in step one – going directly from the old Blogger to a WordPress install DID NOT WORK. This is due to the import tool in WordPress not supporting the FTP updated Blogger blogs which caused this whole mess to begin with.
3. Use the Blogger import tool to import posts from the original Blogger site to the new Blogger site.
4. Use the WordPress import tool to import the new posts from the new Blogger site into WordPress.
5. Make a copy of the uploaded_images directory on your original Blogger site. This is where all the images used in posts have been stored since you’ve had the blog. When doing the various exports and whatnots, all the images are still hotlinked to the uploaded_images directory on the original Blogger site. You need to get a copy of these images if you ever plan to have them viewable again.
6. Set up the correct permalink structure on the temporary WordPress blog in step 2. It will look like this:

/%year%/%monthnum%/%postname%.html

7. Change the post titles in WordPress to match the goofy Blogger ones. Blogger omits the words “the” and “a” and has a maxlength that truncates the complete title
8. Export the posts on the temporary WordPress site using Tools -> Export. This will get you to a point where you download a XML file that’s ready to be imported on the new permanent WordPress site that’s being installed in the same directory as your old Blogger site.
9. Delete the old Blogger site.
10. Install WordPress in the same directory as the old Blogger site
11. Copy over the uploaded_images directory into the root of the new WordPress site, which should be the same as the old Blogger directory.
12. Go forth and make your new WordPress site your own! Now would be an opportune time to do a happy dance.

The gist of it is, put the word “Butt” in front of sports team nicknames and laugh like maniacs for a solid 20 minutes. ** DISCLAIMER – this probably won’t work if you’re a woman, or even slightly mature **

Here’s ours:

1:02:38 PM me: Q: Hey Bill, want to laugh for 20 minutes? Put “Butt” in front of all sports team nicknames. “Pirates”, “Chargers”, etc. Friggin hilarious …
–Beau, Miami, Fla.

SG: Oh, boy …

1:03:11 PM zach: hahahahaha
1:03:15 PM zach: i almost pasted that in
1:03:24 PM me: butt titans
1:03:27 PM me: hahahaha
1:03:30 PM zach: HAHAHAHAAH
1:03:35 PM me: butt steelers
1:03:36 PM zach: butt cubs
1:03:38 PM me: BWAHAHAHA
1:03:44 PM zach: butt dodgers
1:03:51 PM me: butt giants
1:03:54 PM zach: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
1:04:01 PM zach: butt raiders!!!!
1:04:08 PM me: this is fun
1:04:10 PM me: HAHAHAHA
1:04:16 PM zach: butt heat
1:04:21 PM zach: butt grizzlies
1:04:24 PM me: butt spurs
1:04:26 PM zach: HAHAHAHAHAHA
1:04:29 PM me: butt pistons!
1:04:31 PM me: hahahaha
1:04:34 PM zach: are those like really old cling-ons?
1:04:39 PM zach: butt spurs?
1:04:48 PM me: sorry…
1:04:50 PM zach: butt oilers
1:04:54 PM me: kind of crying from butt pistons
1:04:59 PM me: oh dude
1:05:00 PM zach: butt ducks
1:05:01 PM me: butt oilers
1:05:06 PM me: butt flames
1:05:09 PM zach: HAHAHAHAHAAHAH
1:05:13 PM zach: BWAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHH
1:05:18 PM me: butt predators?
1:05:20 PM zach: can’t.stop.laughing
1:05:24 PM me: HAHAHAHA
1:05:24 PM zach: HAHAHAHAHAHA
1:05:31 PM zach: butt marlins
1:05:34 PM zach: butt tigers
1:05:39 PM me: butt dolphins
1:05:39 PM zach: butt royals
1:05:46 PM zach: butt jaguars
1:05:46 PM me: butt chiefs
1:05:49 PM zach: HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAHA
1:05:58 PM zach: oh man… i feel like i’m back in 7th grade
1:06:03 PM me: ewww, butt padres
1:06:09 PM zach: ick
1:06:21 PM zach: even works in college… butt trojans
1:06:26 PM me: hahahaha
1:06:32 PM me: butt gamecocks?
1:06:39 PM zach: sick
1:06:43 PM me: butt bills
1:06:45 PM zach: butt volunteers!!!
1:06:50 PM me: whoa
1:06:52 PM zach: i knew something was wrong with UT
1:06:56 PM me: butt crimson tide
1:07:00 PM zach: yikes!!!!
1:07:09 PM zach: butt patriots
1:07:12 PM me: I always wondered about that one
1:07:26 PM me: isn’t crimson tide a euphimism for a woman’s period
1:07:27 PM zach: butt jets
1:07:31 PM zach: yes, it is
1:07:37 PM me: oh no
1:07:37 PM zach: butt packers!!!!
1:07:37 PM me: butt packers
1:07:42 PM me: junix!
1:07:43 PM zach: junix!!
1:07:49 PM me: on the best one, at that
1:07:51 PM zach: that has to be our funniest junix ever
1:07:54 PM me: hahahaha
1:08:06 PM zach: we should email simmons about that one
1:08:07 PM me: this is going on my atleastihavechicken blog
1:08:12 PM zach: SWEET!!!
1:08:25 PM me: just too funny
1:08:28 PM zach: yeah
1:08:33 PM zach: butt clippers
1:08:37 PM zach: butt sonics
1:08:39 PM me: butt kings
1:08:43 PM zach: hahahahahaha
1:08:49 PM zach: butt avalance
1:08:52 PM zach: * avalanche
1:08:53 PM me: HAHAHAHA
1:08:56 PM zach:
1:09:05 PM zach: butt penguins
1:09:15 PM me: butt rockies
1:09:16 PM me: meh
1:09:25 PM zach: butt rangers
1:09:26 PM me: butt jazz
1:09:31 PM me: ooo, butt rangers
1:09:31 PM zach: haahahahahahah
1:09:34 PM me: that’s a good one
1:09:37 PM zach: yup
1:09:43 PM zach: butt bulls
1:09:46 PM me: butt whalers
1:09:50 PM zach: HAHAHAHAHA
1:10:06 PM zach: butt pirates
1:10:11 PM zach: think we said that already
1:10:21 PM me: I don’t think butt packers is ever going to be topped
1:10:24 PM zach: nope
1:10:43 PM zach: butt angels
1:10:55 PM me: of anaheim?
1:11:05 PM me: that sounds like a porn charlie’s angels
1:11:13 PM zach: gay porn at that
1:11:22 PM me: I dunno
1:11:31 PM me: I don’t associate angels and guys
1:11:44 PM me: maybe just anal-themed porn
1:11:48 PM me: but with dialogue
1:12:01 PM zach: back on topic…
1:12:03 PM zach: butt yankees
1:12:12 PM me: hahahahhahaha
1:12:13 PM me: butt sox
1:12:19 PM me: HAHAHAHA
1:12:23 PM zach: would that be like a diaper?
1:12:34 PM me: well
1:12:53 PM me: I could describe what’s in my head when I hear the words “butt sock”
1:12:58 PM me: but I don’t think you wanna know
1:13:02 PM zach: ummmmm, yeah
1:13:05 PM zach: don’t want to know
1:13:15 PM me: butt rams
1:13:20 PM zach: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA
1:13:26 PM zach: butt cardinals?
1:13:26 PM me: hahaha
1:13:29 PM me: eh
1:13:39 PM me: butt vikings!
1:13:44 PM zach: NICE!!!
1:13:49 PM me: that’s a good one
1:14:29 PM zach: phew… i’m tuckered out from stifling insane laughter

Squid:
I can’t believe Favre was on the practice field within 90 minutes of landing in Minnesota. 2 Year contract too.

Me:
Conflicted, are ya? I seem to recall you saying a couple weeks ago that you’d like to see him play again.

Squid:
Very conflicted. I love watching him play and want him to do well, but with the Vikings? Man.

Me:
Hahaha!

Squid:
I’ll just have to see how I feel when the season starts.

ready to make predictions?

Me:
Sure!

Tits have a 10-6 or 11-5 season but win the AFC South since everyone else got worse since last year except maybe the Texans (fucker!), who couldn’t get much worse.

Patriots win the AFC East with a 12-4 season, Dolphins and Jets suck. Ravens win the AFC North with a 10-6 season, decided by Pittsburgh losing to the Ravens, even though they have the same record. Cleveland and Cincinatti both still suck. AFC West is kind of a toss-up between a declining San Diego, a rising Kansas City and a mediocre Denver. I would be surprised in anyone in that division gets more than 9 wins. Raiders still suck.

Squid:
I’m goinna go with:

Pittsburgh wins their division.
I’m gonna go with the Eagles winning their division and the Giants getting a wild card.
Detroit will fail miserably to prove themselves to be a team.
Minnesota will win the Division with Green Bay and Chicago tied but the Packers getting the Wild Card spot.
Chargers will win the division, but lose in the first game of the playoffs.
Patriots win the division but with an 11-5 record.
Falcons win the division because the Saints defense won’t be able to stop anything.
Injury whammy – Peyton Manning, week 3 @ AZ. Right shoulder.

Me:
You know, there’s basically two Favres playing in the NFC North. Jay Cutler is a total gunslinger like Favre, with the huge arm and interception count to go with it. Still, I think the Bears were missing QB to get them farther. If they don’t go to the playoffs this year, I would be really surprised. I think Detroit will still be pretty bad, but I don’t think they’ll have the worst record in the NFL. The Tits’ defensive coach got the head coach gig up there. I don’t think I’m ready to say they’ll go 8-8, but 6-10 or even 7-9 could happen.

Don’t think Dallas is gonna do well? Romo absolved himself of the Jessica Simpson curse, and they removed the TO tumor as well.

Atlanta is totally gonna win the NFC South. They’re my pick to win the NFC completely.

My injury whammy is Drew Brees – ACL. I’m gonna guess before October.

Squid:
Nope, I don’t see the Bears or Cowboys making the post season this year.

Me:
I think the Bears’ window is closing with their awesome defense.

Squid:
Yup. They missed their shot.

Me:
I dunno if it’s gone yet, but it’s closing pretty fast

Squid:
I can’t wait until regular season starts. I miss football. Should be
a lot of good games. There was a larger than normal QB shakeup around
the league during the off season.

Me:
Yeah there was. It should be a fun season to watch.

So there you have it. When Squid Dog makes some outrageous claims later in the season that he predicted all this, we have a blog post for reference.

Because he’s a liar. Hee hee.

zach: this whole thing is so strange: http://sports.espn.go.com/nba/news/story?id=3775717

Will: yeah it is

zach: i mean… the knicks are paying someone $21mil not to play

zach: just seems childish on both sides

Will: it’s almost like they have really bad management

Will: oh wait…

zach: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Will: hee hee

zach: it’s funny how sports these days is so screwed up

Will: I know, right?

zach: you never heard of junk like this going on even 10 years ago

Will: nope

zach: in any sport

zach: now you’ve got crap like this

Will: someone’s got too much money

zach: you’ve got the whole manny ramirez thing in baseball

Will: what’s that?

zach: the red sox said that he deliberately dogged it this year to instigate a trade

zach: then they dumped him to the dodgers

zach: which was good for the dodgers

Will: hahaha

zach: but if you look at his numbers, he still did awesome in boston

zach: just some weird stuff happened between him and management

zach: it’s even in hockey

zach: did you hear about that avery guy?

Will: yeah

Will: the sloppy seconds dude

zach: yeah

zach: just stupid

Will: the difference, I think

Will: is that pro sports leagues aren’t there for the sport anymore

Will: more for the entertainment value

zach: heh…. yeah

Will: pro sports is starting to become WWF wrestling

Will: or at least have more in common with it

zach: oh man…

zach: totally

zach: yeah

zach: less people throwing chairs at each other

zach: that’s about it

Will: well, not yet

zach: right

Will: pretty soon it’ll be the lakers and celtics in a barbershop chainsaw cage match or something

zach: HAHAHAHAHAHHAAH

Will: loser shaves their head

zach: wait..

Will: but it’ll be broken up by lebron

zach: hahahahahahhaha

zach: oh man…

Will: and in the ensuing melee

Will: someone will get called for fouling dwyane wade

Will: despite not being in the same state

zach: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA

zach: i’m spewing over here

zach: man… you totally need to write that up in a blog post

Will: hahaha

zach: it’s too good to let go

Will: I shall make it so

zach: good

This post is tagged celtics, knicks, lakers, nba, nhl, mlb, wwf, dwyane wade, lebron james, manny ramirez, stephon marbury, and sean avery

Anyway, I thought I’d keep a running tally of my facebook status entries. I’ll note below if I thought them up or if they came from one of the status generators, like http://www.generatus.com/

1. “Will is writing the code that makes the whole world sing” – thought of that one myself

2. “Will knows what nemesis means” – also mine, ripped off from one of the greatest lines from Snatch.

3. “Will just got back from Lynnville. Lynnville. Lynnville. Will just got back from Lynnville. Hmm. I don’t think so.” – mostly LL Cool J’s

4. “Will likes the way you talk too. Mmm hmm.” – Sling Blade

5. “Will is the guy who put the laughter in manslaughter.” – Generatus

6. “Will is crazy. Toys in the attic, Will is crazy.” – shamelessly taken from Pink Floyd – The Trial

7. “Will is hammering out some code with an assist from Massive Attack’s Unfinished Symphony. Hey, hey hey haaaay!” – yep, that’s all me.

8. “Will is looking through some old memes and deciding that Benny Lava video is still funny… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZA1NoOOoaNw” – well, it is still funny

9. “Will is just a worthless liar. Will is just an imbicile. Will will only complicate you. Trust in me and fall as well.” – duh. Tool – Sober

10. “Will is like raaaaa-eeeeee-aaaaaaiin on your wedding day.” – that Alanis Morissette song just got stuck in my head one day.

11. “Will likes the way you talk too. Mmmm hmmm.” – Sling Blade, a true American classic.

12. “Will is smokin cigarettes and watching Captain Kangaroo.” – Flowers on the Wall, from the Statler Brothers.

13. “Will is ready for a bit of the old ultraviolence.” – A Clockwork Orange

14. “Will can hide out under there. Will just made you say underwear.” – a ripoff of the Barenaked Ladies’ Pinch Me

15. “Will is back from a road trip in a 30 year old truck to Lynnville, Waco, Columbia, and Spring Hill. Waco is getting a Dollar General, for those not in the know.” – Waco is an area about 1 square mile that’s two miles east of Lynnville, a town with about 400 people. Hopefully they have a lot of dollars.

16. “Will can still his old hound dawg barkin’, chasin’ down a hoodoo there.” – CCR – Born on the Bayou.

17. “Will doesn’t ~feel~ tardy.” – Van Halen – Hot for Teacher

18. “Will finds it kind of funny. Will finds it kind of sad.” Gary Jules – Mad World.

19. “Will is not being entertaining. Will is being factual.” Top Gear episode where they were allowed in the country only as documentary filmmakers, not entertainment. The factual/entertaining debate was how they justified being in the country as documentary filmmakers

20. “Will is nervous as hell.” I have something big cooking today, and I’m pretty nervous about it. More info later, if it goes well.

21. “Will has been married for 17 years today. To the same girl.” – My anniversary

22. “Will was drunk the day my mom got out of prison.” – David Allan Coe, You Never Even Called Me By My Name. If you didn’t know that already, consider your redneck credentials revoked.

I’ll be updating as I change them.

Enjoy..

Bloodninja: I lick your earlobe, and undo your watch.
Sarah19fca: mmmm, okay.
Bloodninja: I take yo pants off, grunting like a troll.
Sarah19fca: Yeah I like it rough.
Bloodninja: I smack you thick booty.
Sarah19fca: Oh yeah, that feels good.
Bloodninja: Smack, Smack, yeeeaahhh.
Bloodninja: I make some toast and eat it off your ass. Land O’ Lakes butter all in your crack. Mmmm.
Sarah19fca: you like that?
Bloodninja: I peel some bananas.
Sarah19fca: Oh, what are you gonna do with those?
Bloodninja: get me peanuts. Peanuts from the ballpark.
Sarah19fca: Peanuts?
Bloodninja: Ken Griffey Jr. Yeaaaaahhh.
Sarah19fca: What are you talking about?
Bloodninja: I’m spent, I jump down into the alley and smoke a fatty. I throw rocks at the cats.
Sarah19fca: This is stupid.
Bloodninja: Stone Cold Steve Austin gives me some beer.
Bloodninja: Wanna Wrestle Stone Cold?
Bloodninja: Yeeaahhhh.
Sarah19fca: /ignore
Bloodninja: Its cool stone cold she was a bitch anyway.
Bloodninja: We get on harleys and ride into the sunset.

—————

Bloodninja: Wanna cyber?
DirtyKate: K, but don’t tell anybody
DirtyKate: Who are you?
Bloodninja: I’ve got blond hair, blue eyes, I work out a lot
Bloodninja: And I have a part time job delivering for Papa John’s in my Geo Storm.
DirtyKate: You sound sexy.. I bet you want me in the back of your car..
Bloodninja: Maybe some other time. You should call up Papa John’s and make an order
DirtyKate: Haha! OK
DirtyKate: Hello! I’d like an extra-EXTRA large pizza just dripping with sauce.
Bloodninja: Well, first they would say, “Hello, this is Papa John’s, how may I help you”, then they tell you the specials, and then you would make your order. So that’s an X-Large. What toppings do you want?
DirtyKate: I want everything, baby!
Bloodninja: Is this a delivery?
DirtyKate: Umm…Yes
DirtyKate: So you’re bringing the pizza to my house now? Cause I’m home alone… and I think I’ll take a shower…
Bloodninja: Good. It will take about fifteen minutes to cook, and then I’ll drive to your house.
**pause**
DirtyKate:I’m almost finished with my shower… Hurry up!
Bloodninja: You can’t hurry good pizza.
Bloodninja: I’m on my way now though
**pause**
DirtyKate: So you’re at my front door now.
Bloodninja: How did you know?
Bloodninja: I knock but you can’t hear me cause you’re in the shower. So I let myself in, and walk inside. I put the pizza down on your coffee table.
Bloodninja: Are you ready to get nasty, baby? I’m as hot as a pizza oven
DirtyKate: ooohh yeah. I step out of the shower and I’m all wet and cold. Warm me up baby
Bloodninja: So you’re still in the bathroom?
DirtyKate: Yeah, I’m wrapping a towel around myself.
Bloodninja: I can no longer resist the pizza. I open the box and unzip my pants with my other hand. As I penetrate the gooey cheese, I moan in ecstacy. The mushrooms and Italian sausage are rough, but the sauce is deliciously soothing. I blow my load in seconds. As you leave the bathroom, I exit through the front door….
DirtyKate: What the ****?
DirtyKate: You perverted piece of s**t
DirtyKate: F**k

——————

Bloodninja: Wanna cyber?
MommyMelissa: Sure, you into vegetables?
Bloodninja: What like gardening an s**t?
MommyMelissa: Yeah, something like that.
Bloodninja: Nuthin turns me on more, check this out
Bloodninja: You bend over to harvest your radishes.
(pause)
MommyMelissa: is that it?
Bloodninja: You water your tomato patch.
Bloodninja: Are you ready for my fresh produce?
MommyMelissa: I was thinking of like, sexual acts INVOLVING vegetables… Can you make it a little more sexy for me?
(pause)
Bloodninja: I touch you on your lettuce, you massage my spinach… Sexily.
Bloodninja: I ride your buttocks, like they were amber waves of grains.
MommyMelissa: Grain doesn’t really turn me on… I was thinking more along the lines of carrots and zucchinis.
Bloodninja: my zucchinis carresses your carrots.
Bloodninja: Damn baby your right, this s**t is HOT.
MommyMelissa: …
Bloodninja: My turnips listen for the soft cry of your love. My insides turn to celery as I unleash my warm and sticky cauliflower of love.
MommyMelissa: What the f**k is this madlibs? I’m outta here.
Bloodninja: Yah, well I already unleashed my cauliflower, all over your olives, and up in your eyes. Now you can’t see. B**ch.
MommyMelissa: whatever.

——-

Bloodninja: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight?
BritneySpears14: Aight.
Bloodninja: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.
BritneySpears14: I slip out of my pants, just for you, Bloodninja.
Bloodninja: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: Oh, I like to play dress up.
Bloodninja: Me too baby.
BritneySpears14: I kiss you softly on your chest.
Bloodninja: I cast Lvl 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.
BritneySpears14: Hey…
Bloodninja: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl 8 Penis of the Infinite.
BritneySpears14: Funny I still don’t see it.
Bloodninja: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty of the Beyondness.
BritneySpears14: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous.
Bloodninja: Don’t f**k with me biznitch, I’m the mightiest sorcerer of the lands.
Bloodninja: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl 2 Druid.
BritneySpears14: Don’t ever message me again you piece.
Bloodninja: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal.
Bloodninja: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik’s evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.
Bloodninja: You still there baby? I think it’s getting hard now.
Bloodninja: Baby?

—————-

Bloodninja: Ok baby, we got to hurry, I don’t know how long I can keep it ready for you.
j_gurli13: thats ok. ok i’m a japanese schoolgirl, what r u.
Bloodninja: A Rhinocerus. Well, hung like one, thats for sure.
j_gurli13: haha, ok lets go.
j_gurli13: i put my hand through ur hair, and kiss u on the neck.
Bloodninja: I stomp the ground, and snort, to alert you that you are in my breeding territory.
j_gurli13: haha, ok, u know that turns me on.
j_gurli13: i start unbuttoning ur shirt.
Bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don’t wear shirts.
j_gurli13: No, ur not really a Rhinocerus silly, it’s just part of the game.
Bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don’t play games. They f**king charge your ass.
j_gurli13: stop, cmon be serious.
Bloodninja: It doesn’t get any more serious than a Rhinocerus about to charge your ass.
Bloodninja: I stomp my feet, the dust stirs around my tough skinned feet.
j_gurli13: thats it.
Bloodninja: Nostrils flaring, I lower my head. My horn, like some phallic symbol of my potent virility, is the last thing you see as skulls collide and mine remains the victor. You are now a bloody red ragdoll suspended in the air on my mighty horn.
Bloodninja: F**k am I hard now.

—————————-

BritneySpears14: Ok, are you ready?
eminemBNJA: Aight, yeah I’m ready.
BritneySpears14: I like your music Em… Tee hee.
eminemBNJA: huh huh, yeah, I make it for the ladies.
BritneySpears14: Mmm, we like it a lo
t. Let me show you.
BritneySpears14: I take off your pants, slowly, and massage your muscular physique.
eminemBNJA: Oh I like that Baby. I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: What the f**k, I told you not to message me again.
eminemBNJA: Oh s**t
BritneySpears14: I swear if you do it one more time I’m gonna report your ISP and say you were sending me kiddie porn you f((k up.
eminemBNJA: Oh s((t
eminemBNJA: damn I gotta write down your names or something

————

sweet17: Hi
Bloodninja: hello
Bloodninja: who is this?
sweet17: just a someone?
Bloodninja: A someone I know?
sweet17: nope
Bloodninja: Then why the hell are you bothering me?
sweet17: well sorrrrrry
sweet17: I just wanted to chat with you
Bloodninja: why?
sweet17: nevermind your an jerk
Bloodninja: Hey wait a minute
sweet17: yes?
Bloodninja: look I’m sorry. I’m just a little paranoid
sweet17: paranoid?
Bloodninja: yes
sweet17: of what?
sweet17: me?
Bloodninja: No. I’m in hiding.
sweet17: LOL
Bloodninja: Don’t f**king laugh at me!
Bloodninja: This s**t is serious!
sweet17: What are you hiding from?
Bloodninja: The cops.
sweet17: gimme a f**king break
Bloodninja: I’m serious.
sweet17: I don’t get it
Bloodninja: The cops are after me.
sweet17: For what?
Bloodninja: I’m wanted in three states
sweet17: For???
Bloodninja: It’s kind of embarrasing.
Bloodninja: I had sex with a turkey.
Bloodninja: Hello?
sweet17: You are f**king sick.
Bloodninja: Send me your picture.
sweet17: why?
Bloodninja: so I know you aren’t one of them.
sweet17: One of what?
Bloodninja: The cops.
sweet17: I’m not a cop i told you
Bloodninja: Then send me your picture.
sweet17: hold on
Bloodninja: Hurry up.
Bloodninja: Are you there?
Bloodninja: F**k you, cop!
sweet17: Hey sorry
sweet17: I had to do something for my mom.
Bloodninja: I thought you were trying to find a picture to send to me.
Bloodninja: When really you were notifying the authorities.
Bloodninja: Weren’t you!?
sweet17: thats not it
Bloodninja: Then what?
sweet17: I don’t want to send you the picture cause I’m not pretty
Bloodninja: Most cops aren’t
sweet17: IM NOT A F**KING COP YOU A**HOLE!
Bloodninja: Then send me the picture.
sweet17: fine. What’s your e-mail?
Bloodninja: Just send it through here.
sweet17: alright *PIC*
sweet17: Did you get it?
Bloodninja: Hold on. I’m looking.
sweet17: That was me back in may
sweet17: I’ve lost weight since then.
Bloodninja: I hope so
sweet17: what?!?
sweet17: that hurt my feelings.
Bloodninja: Did it?
sweet17: Yes. I’m not that much smaller than that now.
Bloodninja: Will it make you feel better if I send you my picture?
sweet17: yes
Bloodninja: Alright let me find it.
sweet17: kks
Bloodninja: Okay here it is. *PIC*
sweet17: this isn’t you.
Bloodninja: I’ll be damned if it ain’t!
sweet17: You don’t look like that.
Bloodninja: How the hell do you know?
sweet17: cause your profile has another picture.
Bloodninja: The profile pic is a fake.
Bloodninja: I use it to hide from the cops.
sweet17: You look like the Farm Fresh guy lol
Bloodninja: Well, you look like you ATE the Farm Fresh guy….
Bloodninja: Not to mention all the groceries.
sweet17: Go f**k yourself
Bloodninja: I was going to until I saw that picture
Bloodninja: Now my unit won’t get hard for a week.
sweet17: I shouldn’t have sent you that picture.
sweet17: You’ve done nothing but slam me.
sweet17: you hurt me.
Bloodninja: And calling me the Farm Fresh guy doesn’t hurt me?
sweet17: I thought you were bullcrapping me!
Bloodninja: Why would I do that?
sweet17: I can’t believe that cops are after you
Bloodninja: I can’t believe Santa lets you sit on his lap..
sweet17: F((K YOU!!!
Bloodninja: You’d break both of his legs.
sweet17: You’re a F**KING A**HOLE!
sweet17: I’ve been teased my whole life because of my weight
sweet17: and you make fun of me when you don’t even know me
Bloodninja: Ok. I’m sorry.
sweet17: No you aren’t
Bloodninja: You’re right. I’m not.
Bloodninja: HAARRRRR!
sweet17: I’m done with you
Bloodninja: Aww. I’m sorry.
sweet17: I’m putting you on ignore
Bloodninja: Wait a sec
Bloodninja: We got off on the wrong foot.
Bloodninja: Wanna start over?
sweet17: No
Bloodninja: I’ll eat your kitty
sweet17: You’ll what?
Bloodninja: You heard me.
Bloodninja: I said I’d eat your kitty.
sweet17: I thought you said you couldn’t get it hard after seeing my picture
Bloodninja: Do I need a hard-on to eat your kitty?
sweet17: I’d like to know that the man eating me out is excited yes
Bloodninja: Well I’m not like most men.
Bloodninja: I get excited in different ways.
sweet17: Like what?
Bloodninja: Do you really wanna know?
sweet17: I don’t know
Bloodninja: You have to tell me yes or no.
sweet17: I’m afraid to
Bloodninja: Why?
sweet17: cause
Bloodninja: cause why?
sweet17: well lets see
sweet17: you say you have sex with turkeys. You call me fat. then you wanna eat me out
sweet17: doesn’t that seem strange to you?
Bloodninja: Nope
sweet17: well its strange to me
Bloodninja: Fine. I won’t do it if you don’t want me to
sweet17: I didn’t say that
Bloodninja: So is that a yes?
sweet17: I guess so.
Bloodninja: Ok. I need your help getting excited though.
Bloodninja: Are you willing?
sweet17: What do you need me to do?
Bloodninja: I need you talk like a pirate.
sweet17: ???
Bloodninja: When I start to go limp… you say “HARRRR!!!”
Bloodninja: ok?
Bloodninja: Hello?
sweet17: You can’t be serious
Bloodninja: Oh yes I am!
Bloodninja: It’s my fantasy.
sweet17: this is retarded
Bloodninja: Do you want it or not?
sweet17: Yes I want it.
Bloodninja: Then you’ll do it for me?
sweet17: sure
Bloodninja: Ok. Here we go.
Bloodninja: I gently remove your panties and being to massage your thighs.
Bloodninja: You get really juicy thinking about my tounge brushing up against them
Bloodninja: I softly begin to tounge your wet kitty.
Bloodninja: I run my tounge up and down your smooth c**t.
sweet17: mmmm yeah
Bloodninja: uh oh …going limp.
sweet17: Har
Bloodninja: You gotta do better than that!
Bloodninja: Your picture was really bad.
sweet17: HARRRRRRRRRRRR
Bloodninja: Ahhhh. Much better. I feel your kitty get more moist with every stroke.
Bloodninja: I softly suck on your cl*t bringing it in and out of my mouth.
Bloodninja: Your juices run down my chin as your scent makes its way to my nose.
Bloodninja: I begin to feel empowered by your femininity.
sweet17: mmmmmm you are good
Bloodninja: I feel your thighs tighten as I suck harder
Bloodninja: going limp
sweet17: HARRRRRRR
Bloodninja: Mmmm I grab your swelling buttocks in my hands.
Bloodninja: You begin to sway back and forth.
Bloodninja: going limp
sweet17: this is stupid
Bloodninja: …still limp
Bloodninja: Do it!
sweet17: HARRRRRRRRRRRRR
Bloodninja: I turn you around to lick your a**hole.
Bloodninja: I pry apart that battleship you call your ass.
Bloodninja: I see poo nuggets hanging from the hair around your ass.
sweet17: WTF?!?!?
Bloodninja: They stink really bad.
sweet17: OMG STOP!!!
Bloodninja: I start to get fed up with your ugly ass
Bloodninja: I tear off your wooden peg leg.
Bloodninja: I ram it up your ass.
sweet17: YOURE A F**KING PYSCHO!!
Bloodninja: Then I pour hot carmel over your head.
Bloodninja: And turn
you into a f**king candy apple…
Bloodninja: I kick you in the face!
sweet17: F**K YOU A**HOLE!!
Bloodninja: The celluloid from your cheeks hits the side of the cabin…
Bloodninja: Your parrot flys away.
Bloodninja: …going limp again.
Bloodninja: Hello?
Bloodninja: Say it!
Bloodninja: HAARRRRRR!!!!!

———————————

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I’m toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?
Wellhung: I’m 6’3″ and about 280 pounds.I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart.I’m also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner…it smells funny.
Sweetheart: I want you.Would you like to screw me?
Wellhung: OK
Sweetheart: We’re in my bedroom.There’s soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table.I’m looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
Wellhung: I’m gulping, I’m beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I’m pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Wellhung: Now I’m unbuttoning your blouse.My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart: I’m moaning softly.
Wellhung: I’m taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart: I’m throwing my head back in pleasure.The cool silk slides off my warm skin.I’m rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.
Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse.I’m sorry.
Sweetheart: That’s OK, it wasn’t really too expensive.
Wellhung: I’ll pay for it.
Sweetheart: Don’t worry about it.I’m wearing a lacy black bra.My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.
Wellhung: I’m fumbling with the clasp on your bra.I think it’s stuck. Do you have any scissors?
Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly.I’m reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.
Wellhung: How did you do that? I’m picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.
Sweetheart: I’m arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.
Wellhung: I’m dropping the bra. Now I’m licking your, you know, breasts. They’re neat!
Sweetheart: I’m running my fingers through your hair. Now I’m nibbling your ear.
Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I’m so sorry. Really.
Sweetheart: I’m wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.
Wellhung: I’m taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.
Sweetheart: OK. I’m pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.
Wellhung: I’m screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Sweetheart: I’m pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
Wellhung: I’m pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you…umm… wait a minute.
Sweetheart: What’s the matter?
Wellhung: I’ve got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I’m choking.
Sweetheart: Are you OK?
Wellhung: I’m having a coughing fit. I’m turning all red.
Sweetheart: Can I help?
Wellhung: I’m running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I’m fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
Wellhung: I’m drinking a cup of water. There, that’s better.
Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.
Wellhung: I’m washing the cup now.
Sweetheart: I’m on the bed arching for you.
Wellhung: I’m drying the cup. Now I’m putting it back in the cabinet. And now I’m walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it’s dark, I’m lost. Where’s the bedroom?
Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Wellhung: I found it.
Sweetheart: I’m tuggin’ off your pants. I’m moaning. I want you so badly.
Wellhung: Me too.
Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing each other.
Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart Why don’t you take off your glasses?
Wellhung: OK, but I can’t see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.
Sweetheart: I’m bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
Wellhung: I have to pee. I’m fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.
Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it’s dark. I’m feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart: I’m waiting eagerly for your return.
Wellhung: I’m done going. I’m feeling around for the flush handle, but I can’t find it. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart: What’s the matter now?
Wellhung: I’ve realized that I’ve peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I’m walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.
Wellhung: OK, now I’m going to put my…you know …thing…in your…you know…woman’s thing.
Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
Wellhung: I’m touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I’m having a little trouble here.
Sweetheart: I’m moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can’t stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!
Wellhung: I’m flaccid.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I’m limp. I can’t sustain an erection.
Sweetheart: I’m standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.
Wellhung: I’m shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I’m going to get my glasses and see what’s wrong.
Sweetheart: No, never mind. I’m getting dressed. I’m putting on my underwear. Now I’m putting on my wet nasty blouse.
Wellhung: No wait! Now I’m squinting, trying to find the night table. I’m feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.
Sweetheart: I’m buttoning my blouse. Now I’m putting on my shoes.
Wellhung: I’ve found my glasses. I’m putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I’m pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart: Go to hell. I’m logging off, you loser!
Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!

—————————–

I.F.: You ready yet? Im bearing to go!
SexyKarla17: Yhea im slipping out of my clothes right now, what do you look like?
I.F.: a Kodiac bear
SexyKarla17: ?
I.F.: Im soft naked, fuzzy and waiting for you to come mount me
SexyKarla17: Oh I love cute fuzzy bears, I walk up and get on top of you stroking your soft hair, kissing you gently as my move my way down your stomach
I.F.: I growl to warm you my cubs are near
SexyKarla17: huh?
I.F.: Bears get f**kin pumped when anyone is near their cubs
Sexkarla17: yhea hehe dont be silly..
SexyKarla17: I love how you growl as I continue to kiss you, while taking off your pants.
I.F.: Bears dont wear pants and you should cover yourself in Honey now
SexyKarla17: hehe you would love to lick that off me huh. I pour honey all over my warm wet body waiting for you to start licking it off me slowly
I.F.: I sniff the air to see where the sweet scent of the honey is coming from, while slowly snorting and walking towards you
I.F.: I Growl again, and start to bite you
SexyKarla17: Yhea that feels good..ooooo…not too hard now
I.F.: I bite harder peeling flesh from your stomach, and look up into your eyes to show you my mouth dripping with your warm blood mixed with honey, I then I let my cubs rip apart your limbs and play with you like a ragdoll.
SexyKarla17: what the f**k?
I.F.:uuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhh and im spent.

————————————

I.F.: My s**t is hard you ready to jump aboard?<
br />1hOttYeVe: oh yea im so wet right now
I.F.: Why you just shower?
1hOttYeVe: no im wet for you
I.F.: Did you ever play with supersoakers when you were a kid? or that gator s**t you would dive and slide down, there was that badass pool at the end of it.
1hOttYeVe: What the f**k are you talking about? You wanna cyber or not?
I.F.: I do! Sorry…I just didnt know why you were wet…then you say your wet for me, and im thinking I didnt even throw water on you…
I.F.: Im sorry lets continue!
1hOttYeVe: alright then…I walk over to you and start kissing your neck and chest
I.F.: I pop like 16 boners
1hOttYeVe: what the f**k!
I.F.: what?

———————————

Partner6: So you’re really a 18 yr old girl right?
J-Dogg: Yeah, J for Julie.
Partner6: So whats with the “Dogg”
J-Dogg: Uh, It’s cause I’m into the latina gangs and shit. You know, rollin with tha homies and shit.
Partner6: Oh, uh ok thats cool. So you ever seen a gun?
J-Dogg: Yeah like I got 6 guns.
Partner6: Thats cool, so you wanna see my gun?
J-Dogg: hehe, of course baby.
Partner6: I pull off my pants and show you my “gun”.
J-Dogg: Ohh, it’s so big.
Partner6: Yeah, what you want to do?
J-Dogg: Umm, i guess stroke it or something.
Partner6: It likes that.
J-Dogg: aight.
Partner6: Keep talking to me baby…
J-Dogg: I kiss you on the mouth, hard, but then gently.
Partner6: Mmmm, daddy like.
J-Dogg: I unzip my pants…
Partner6: Yes, show me what you got.
J-Dogg: I pull out my schlong, and rub it on your breasts…
Partner6: WTF?!
J-Dogg: Oh s**t, I meant, your schlong! your schlong!
Partner6: I’ve had it with you queers trying to cyber me, I only f**k women…
J-Dogg: S**it just don’t shoot me man, I wasn’t serious about the guns I have, I’m unarmed!
Partner6: You dips**t.
J-Dogg: I whimper to myself…
J-Dogg: please don’t shoot me Mr.

—————————————

J-Dogg: I see you in line at the supermarket. Our eyes meet.
Partner8: Who the f**k are you?
J-Dogg: I mouth the words to you, as if in slow motion:
J-Dogg: F**k me, F**k me.
J-Dogg: My wishes are like poetry in your eyes. We want this moment to last forever.
Partner8: OMFG are you trying to cyber me?
J-Dogg: We are like two dancers, for whom the music never stops. I Kiss the top of your hand. You are taken aback by the bulge that forms in your thigh.
Partner8: Is that like cancer?
J-Dogg: If cancer is our love, then I hope you don’t have the technology of chemotherapy.
Partner8: Good one romeo.
J-Dogg: You grab the bulge that you feel. you think it must be taking over your mind, theres nothing else you can think of. My tubesteak to you is like a beautiful japanese haiku.

The salmon swim at night.
Towards your room.
The snow and the moon.

Partner8: that was never a haiku.
J-Dogg: To your light bulb I am the Thomas Edison of your sex. Withought my light you would be lost in a sea of darkness.
Partner8: That made even less sense than your “haiku”
J-Dogg: So you ready to f**k then?
Partner8: You unbutton my pants, spew your load at the sight of my underwear, and your spent.
J-Dogg: …
Partner8: ?
J-Dogg: I’m spent.

————————-

Jdogg: Hey
QT-Pie: Hey
Jdogg: whats goin on
QT-Pie: Nothing. Who are you?
Jdogg: Jdogg. Wanna cyber?
QT-Pie: what does that mean?
Jdogg: what are you wearing?
QT-Pie: T-shirt. Jeans.
Jdogg: Garter belt?
QT-Pie: Ummm…no.
Jdogg: Are we gonna cyber or not?
QT-Pie: uh, okay.
Jdogg: Sweet, I start by rubbing your ass all around. You love this.
Jdogg: You’re wet already. I can smell your p*ssy stink from here.
QT-Pie: WHAT?!
Jdogg: I execute standing position 12 from the Kama Sutra. Passion fills the room. Your head is close to the ceiling fan.
Jdogg: You leave everything to Jdogg.
Jdogg: I am completely inside of you. You are my dick puppet. I put on a little play.
QT-Pie: This is weird. I should go.
Jdogg: I drop you on the ground, and lay a stripe down your back.
QT-Pie: A stripe?
Jdogg: I need a sandwich.
QT-Pie: You’re a freak.
Jdogg: I was great. You loved it.

Earlier one of our “senior programmers” exhibited some thinking that seemed familiar. If you’ve ever seen the trilogy The Matrix, as most computer nerdy types have, you’ll know what I mean when I mention the reasoning of a machine.

The Matrix is run by the machines, which typically adopt an arcane management style that lacks intuition and true understanding. For example, when digging deep into the earth to reach the last human city of Zion, the machines send one killing machine for each man, woman, and child in Zion. Such is the thinking of a machine.

This morning, a “senior programmer” was troubleshooting a problem according to a specific set of steps put forth in a document, and came to a step that required a login. The guy didn’t have a login and the guys who wrote the documentation are both out today so he asked a couple people who he thought might know. They didn’t, so he walked around to ask every single person in the office. Such is the thinking of a “senior programmer”, aka an AS400 fucker.

I got off on a goofy train of thought that started with the similarities between the matrix and AS400s (both UIs are black with green characters, for example). I started an AIM chat with a non-AS400 fucker coworker that turned out to be pretty funny. Names have been changed to protect those involved.

[09:55] me: I think he’s going to ask everyone in the building
[09:55] JavaCoworker: hahahahaha!!!
[09:55] me: nice
[09:55] me: it’s like the matrix
[09:55] me: he thinks like a machine would
[09:55] JavaCoworker: hahahhahaha
[09:55] JavaCoworker: i almost spat tea all over my desk
[09:55] me: hahaha
[09:55] me: weird thought -
[09:56] me: I wonder if the makers of the matrix made it black with green characters for a reason
[09:56] me: hmmmmm
[09:56] JavaCoworker: hmmmm
[09:56] JavaCoworker: maybe
[09:57] JavaCoworker: course, i can’t imagine an as400 powering the matrix
[09:57] me: if you think about it, it makes sense
[09:57] me: by all measures except for logical human thinking
[09:57] me: the AS400 outperforms almost every other platform in stuff like CPS
[09:57] me: instructions processed
[09:57] me: junk like that
[09:58] me: so maybe the architect of the matrix read a computer magazine and took that into account
[09:58] me: without incorporating logical human thinking that a billion instructions processed each second
[09:59] me: doesn’t count for much if you have to run 15 layers of emulators to get a working application
[09:59] me: hmmmm
[09:59] JavaCoworker: that’s good stuff right there
[09:59] me: it totally makes sense
[09:59] me: wow
[10:00] me: this is like something you’d think about if you were stoned or something
[10:00] JavaCoworker: are you stoned?
[10:00] me: pretty sure I’m not
[10:00] me: unless fumes from my truck are narcotic
[10:00] JavaCoworker: hmmmm
[10:00] me: possible
[10:00] JavaCoworker: i feel pretty happy after driving the bug
[10:00] JavaCoworker: and it has some pretty potent fumes
[10:00] me: yup
[10:01] me: maybe you’re only understanding it because you are stoned
[10:01] JavaCoworker: maybe we’re both stoned
[10:02] me: this is going in the blog post, if I make one
[10:02] JavaCoworker: totally
[10:02] JavaCoworker: “was a stoned as400fukker responsible for the matrix?”
[10:02] JavaCoworker: “is the architect a stoned as400fukker?”
[10:02] me: valid questions, after a bit of thought
[10:03] me: unable to balance equations
[10:03] me: lots of glitches
[10:03] me: can’t get basic rules like gravity and physics right
[10:03] JavaCoworker: had to use all those fancy words
[10:03] me: yup
[10:04] me: would that make AS400FuckerX and AS400FuckerY agents?
[10:04] JavaCoworker: hmmmm
[10:05] JavaCoworker: maybe like an alpha version
[10:05] JavaCoworker: because i know i could totally take them out
[10:05] me: yeah
[10:05] JavaCoworker: hey!!!!
[10:05] me: one of the less competent ones
[10:05] JavaCoworker: maybe AS400FuckerX’s constant blinking is a glitch in an early agent version
[10:05] me: hahahaha
[10:06] me: hey
[10:06] me: maybe FormerAS400FuckerX and FormerAS400FuckerY are like
[10:06] me: the orphans first pulled from the matrix
[10:06] me: just starting to realize what the real world’s like
[10:06] JavaCoworker: hmmmmm
[10:08] JavaCoworker: but they keep going back into the matrix
[10:08] me: yeah
[10:08] JavaCoworker: course, i guess all the orphans kept going back too
[10:08] me: maybe they’re more like cipher in the first one
[10:08] JavaCoworker: but they went back to defeat it, not to fix it
[10:08] JavaCoworker: maybe
[10:08] me: what about ClosetAS400FuckerZ? (*note – he works in the real world occasionally, but he’s awful at both the new stuff and the AS400 fucker stuff. If you look up “passive aggressive” in the dictionary, there would be a picture of ClosetAS400FuckerZ)
[10:08] me: he’s evil and deep down inside he wants to go back to the way things used to be
[10:09] me: this is some funny shit
[10:09] JavaCoworker: dude… ClosetAS400FuckerZ is still in the matrix
[10:09] JavaCoworker: he’d never leave
[10:10] me: true
[10:11] JavaCoworker: man… this is awesome
[10:13] me: yup

Was the architect of the matrix actually an AS400 Fucker? That explains a lot.

This post is tagged iSeries, AS400, fossils, senior programmer, the Matrix, the Architect, and AS400 fuckers

After running across a YouTube clip from The Driver, I decided it was time to do a post that touches the heart of almost every car guy or girl: car chases. I have no idea why movies today don’t have good car chase scenes. I think a lot of the problem is that modern CGI technology gives moviemakers an easy way to fake the incredible stunts that helped make older movies with car chases so great. Call it The Matrix Effect.

Anyway, here are my top five best car chases of all time, in reverse order:

5.) The Seven-Ups

Summary:
This is one of the coolest car chases in a movie that not a lot of folks have seen. The ending was especially good on this one, and car chase endings are a sticky point for me.

Memories:
Does anyone else my age (mid 30s) have memories of riding around in those giant land yachts from the early 70s with gobs of torque and big cubic inch engines? Those things practically floated on air, and the door handles nearly scraped when going around a curve because the suspension was so soft. I think those cars were purposefully engineered to put kids asleep in the back seat.

Notes:
An interesting thing to keep an eye on here is the driver of the land yacht. You’ll be seeing him again in this list. The bad guy in the passenger seat of the land yacht is obviously a rookie at getting chased. He pretty much wigs out the whole time, flailing his arms, holding on to the grab handle, and generally looking like a big wuss. Come on, bad guy. In the words of Tom Landry, act like you’ve been there before!

4.) The Blues Brothers

Summary:
One of the most classic catastrophic car chases in movie history. I think this movie wiped out every mid 70s Dodge Monaco in Illinois. It touches a pet peeve of mine for realism for the Bluesmobile being a “magic car”, but in the end it makes up for it by dropping a Ford Pinto station wagon (containing Illinois Nazis) from a height so tall the filmmakers had to get FAA certification. Looking back, it was the only humane thing to do to the Pinto.

Memories:
“It’s got a cop motor, a 440 cubic inch plant, it’s got cop tires, cop suspensions, cop shocks. It’s a model made before catalytic converters so it’ll run good on regular gas. What do you say, is it the new Bluesmobile or what?”

Notes:
At the time of its release, this movie held the world record for number of cars crashed. In a 1998 interview for Universal, John Landis credited mob help for getting permission from the Cook County Board of Commissioners for this (alluding to the Board being mob-controlled at that time). The political outrage for the damage caused by this car chase actually caused the mayor of Chicago to lose a bid for re-election.

Part 1

Part 2

3.) The French Connection

Summary:
The car chase in this movie is groundbreaking for a couple different reasons. First off, the car isn’t chasing another car, but rather a train. Second, the car chase doesn’t take place on deserted city streets. This chase is set in a populated area with lots of traffic and pedestrians. This makes the chase a bit more real.

Memories:
Gene Hackman is an incredible actor, and The French Connection was an outstanding role for him. The groundbreaking nature of this chase bumps it up the list a notch or two.

Notes:
Anyone who’s ever played Grand Theft Auto III will recognize the overhead train track. Matter of fact, if you were to turn left at the place where Popeye sideswipes the first car and spins out, you’d be in Triad territory.

2.) Gone in Sixty Seconds

Summary:
This was an incredibly hard decision for me. I have seen this movie over 200 times, and I love the car chase. The final reason I couldn’t put this one #1 is because they used the friggin’ CGI for the very end of the chase. Short of that one thing, this car chase has everything you could want: a badass main car (1967 Mustang Shelby GT500), a swarm of cops and cop crashes (police Crown Vic meets front end loader), an incredible amount of ancillary action (keep an eye on the right side of the street when the first black and white pulls alongside Memphis in the alley), a chase through the LA aqueducts (a computer game staple), outrunning a helicopter, and a friggin’ demolition ball knocking a rent-a-cop through a building. All of a sudden my heart’s beating really fast and I’m not getting enough oxygen and I think I might pass out.

Memories:
When the wife and I saw this movie in the theater, we got into a fight on the way home because I made a comment about wanting nitrous on my Chevelle (it’s plenty fast enough to get me in trouble now). She also loves this chase scene and never fails to jump when Memphis is backing up and the passenger side mirror gets knocked off. The little kid smiling at Memphis (who flashes a smile right back) never fails to put a stupid grin on my face. Good times all around.

Notes:
This is such a monumental movie for car guys that it inspired a whole aftermarket movement for people to not only buy parts to make their Mustangs look like Eleanor, but for a while there you could actually get an Eleanor replica built specifically for you. The original car design was done by the now-famous TV car life-changer Chip Foose. There are two big uses of CGI in the final chase scene. The first was the out of control pressurized tank that flies around at the shipyard. The tank it self was real, as were the movements. The smoke was drawn in during post-production. Not a real big deal in my book. The second big use of CGI was, of course, Eleanor jumping over the accident on the Vincent Thomas Bridge. In the end, this is what keeps this from being the best car chase of all time.

Part 1:

Part 2:

1.) Bullitt

Memories:
Ford produced Bullitt edition Mustangs with the same color and wheels as this one in 2001. I remember seeing a promo clip of Chad McQueen, Steve’s son, abusing one around the streets of San Francisco. Lots of history here. It’s impossible to count how many video games I’m played that had the same San Franscisco streets race course where you jumped down the big hills that flattened out only for the cross streets. In one of my games I have for XBox, you can even drive a dark Dodge Charger. That’s a seriously influential car chase. The hitmen in the Charger kill me every time I watch this clip. These are not the hitmen of today’s movies. These are nattily dressed, crew cut-sporting, cool-headed hitmen who don’t get upset at anything. They don’t talk. Nobody’s yelling, and the gunman in the passenger seat never reaches for a grab handle. It’s a day at work for these two; and when the driver of the Charger put on his seat belt, that’s when you know something’s about to go down!

Notes:
Keep an eye on the rear wheels of the Mustang right when Steve McQueen misses a turn and has to back it up. Check out the wheelhop in reverse, and I think I see an open differential (only one wheel spinning) when he takes off back up the hill. I have absolutely no idea why this one’s not a posi. A posi would leave much cooler black marks when you spin your tires all the way up a hill. Remember that guy from #5, the driver of the land yacht? The same actor is driving the Dodge Charger in this chase scene. That guy, Bill Hickman, was James Dean’s driver in 1955 when the latter was killed after a roadside accident. Hickman, driving the Ford station-wagon and trailer that hauled Dean’s Porsche 550 Spyder, was the first on the scene when he came upon the accident.

Honorable mention:
Ronin, Diamonds are Forever, The Driver, Smokey and the Bandit, To Live and Die in LA, Vanishing Point, Matrix:Reloaded, Hooper

Here’s ours:

Will wrote:

Before we start making predictions again, we need to write them down or post them somewhere. How about a blog post?

Squid Dog wrote:

sounds good.

Packers:
Start at 2-6 then end up 7-9
Favre retires.

Will wrote:

Aight.

Titans have zero running game and end up 7-9 or worse. Last year’s 8-8 was Vince Young AND Travis Henry.

Any other picks?

Squid Dog wrote:

Chargers end up 10-6 and miss the playoffs.

Will wrote:

Ha! Bears go 8-8. Niners go 10-6 and get into the playoffs.

Squid Dog wrote:

Nice.

Will wrote:

Everyone picks Arizona as their “sleeper” pick like they do every year.

Dolphins continue their free-fall and end up at around 5-11.

Indy goes 13-3 and gets beat on their first playoff game.

Lions go 7-9 (which is cause for celebration up there) and fire Matt Millen.

Saints go 12-4.

Texans go 4-12.

Baltimore goes 7-9.

Hmmm, what else?

Squid Dog wrote:

Nice.

Raiders end with a losing season. hahahaha.

Will wrote:

Way to go out on a limb there.

This post is tagged NFL, picks, Packers, Titans, Raiders, Chargers, Bears, Colts, Chargers, Saints, Lions, Ravens, Texans, and Dolphins